Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
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all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
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An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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