I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
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Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
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And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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