smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
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It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
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Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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