i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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