I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
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Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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