I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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