god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize