I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
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I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
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The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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