Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
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Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
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He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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