hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
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i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
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Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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