I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
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My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
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It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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