do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
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i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
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You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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