Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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