my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
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If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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