i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
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Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
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I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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