i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
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Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
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It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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