just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
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then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
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He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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