1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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