Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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