No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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