he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
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I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
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First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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