That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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