So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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