last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
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Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
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I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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