Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
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Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
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Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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