If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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