There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
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This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
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It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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