just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize