dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
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The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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