And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
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I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
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Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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