you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
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I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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