I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
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Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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