I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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