Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My cat gives me a boner
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Randomize