Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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