Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
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I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
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I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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