I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
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You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
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I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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