It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
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i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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