I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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