if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
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OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
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Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I love you.
Bad choice
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