I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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