She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
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One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
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Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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