i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
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You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
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She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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