Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
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It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
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It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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