the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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