i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
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I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
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Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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