If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
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If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
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I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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