shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
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according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
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You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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