This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
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Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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