My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
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You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
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They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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